Spook's Spurius Selection
by SpookOrSpectre
Summary: A collection of my single-fires and narrative-lagomorphs. Might be comedic, might be hardcore horror, might even be angsty hurt/comfort, who knows! Spurius is in the name, after all. Update: Bleeding (Chapter 7)
1. A Simple Life

This had probably been the longest day in Tom's life. He was only a kit, anyone could tell you that. Mammals like to say that a kit should be playing with his friends after school, but life is not so simple. A friendship he had known as long as he could remember had seemingly been brought to an end today, and not exactly in a pleasant way.

Rodger had been selling catnip at their school for only two weeks, and earlier today Tom had watched him get thrown into a police car. He knew it would happen one day, but he never thought it would be so soon. Not today. He had watched as Rodger was dragged out of a classroom, right in front of him. Carried away, screaming and flailing, right before his eyes. Tom had seen it all, from the moment the rabbit officer had said his name in Ms. Snifferson's class, to the moment the squad car drove away.

He had followed the officers out into the hallway, and he had followed them down the hallway to the door, and he even followed them out the door onto the sidewalk, but he couldn't run as fast as the squad car. He didn't know how it would help, this following, and in fact he was sure it wouldnt help, but he couldn't just sit and wait.

The sidewalk outside the school was where he last saw Rodger. He remembered the way the fox officer had looked at him as he got in his cruiser, he would never forget it. The understanding, sympathetic gaze the fox had given him.

Maybe on a normal day he would be thinking about what it had meant, but not right now. He had done enough thinking already, and he was tired of it. Now he was in his spot, and he was just going to sit and relax. This was where he would always go, after school, maybe just on a weekend, or on a cool summer's eve. He would even go here on a day like today, at sunset, on a Tuesday, in spring.

His spot might not be anything special to other mammals, but It was a place where he was no longer held by the anxieties and the troubles of the world. It made him feel free, like he was floating above the trees, the cool breeze flowing across his nose. His whiskers vibrated with the wind, and a shiver went down his back. He was cold, but he couldn't go home. His parents wouldn't understand. They'd lecture him about drugs without a care for Rodger.

A tear rolled down his cheek, falling thirty feet to the concrete below. The sunset struck a sense of angst and longing into his heart. The beautiful sunset, the deep reds, the pinkish hue it cast on the clouds, the fiery orange and yellow that didn't burn, but rather glowed, with the serenity of a hundred thousand candles. It was perfect, and it was simple.

_Why can't life just __be simple...__ Just a sunset. Why can't a long day end with a hug and a pat on the back..._

"You ok up there?" A female voice said from below him.

He looked down and his heart nearly leaped out of his chest. Seeing the officer, the same rabbit from earlier, was a shock beyond compare. He didn't know if he was going to cry in anger or in sadness, but tears were sure to follow either way.

"Go Away!" He yelled, his voice cracking. He looked away for a moment, and used all his will to keep his composure, but could only do so much. He stared into the horizon, crying, hoping the two would leave him alone.

The sound of a car door opening brought his attention back to the cruiser, and he looked to see a fox getting out, looking at him the same way he did before.

Tom froze. His sobs stopped.

"You wanna come down and talk?" The fox asked. Tom hesitated for a moment, but quickly looked away.

"No!"

"Hey, we're sorry that you're upset, and I know how you feel, just come down and talk, please. Everything is gonna be ok."

"No its not! Rodge is in jail and I'm never gonna see him again!" He sobbed.

"Rodger is gonna be ok, He'll be back in school tomorrow."

That changed everything.

"Really?" Tom asked.

"Yeah, come down and we'll talk about it," the fox said. With his renewed outlook on life, Tom climbed down the utility pole.

"What happened?" He asked. The fox knelt in front of him, coming to eye level.

"Well... we let him go," he said with a smile.

"Really!?"

"Now, don't get too excited, he's still in trouble, but only with his parents."

Tom smiled. Everything was going to be ok, but...

"Why?" He asked. The fox looked down and sighed, quickly looking back up to lock eyes with Tom.

"Why don't you get in the car, let's get out of this cold," the fox said. He opened the door for Tom and they got into the cruiser, the bobcat sitting between the two officers.

"So, the reason why we let your friend go... is because I was in the same place once, a long time ago. I used to be a crook, a hustler. I'd fool people out of money any way I could. I knew it was wrong, but I felt like it was all I had. I... I felt like it was all I could ever be, as a fox," he said.

"But... why did you let him go?"

"Because he wasn't just some catnip selling scoundrel. He was Rodger. And I'll bet that if you ask someone that knows him, anyone that knows him, they'd probably say the same thing. They'd say 'That's Rodger.' Not 'some low life,' not 'a thug,' not 'a scoundrel,' but a friend, or a son, or a student. Someone who deserves a second chance."

Tom was quiet for a moment. He had never heard an adult talk like this.

"How could you tell?" He asked.

"I took one look at you, and I knew. I could tell, it didn't even take a second, I saw the look on your face... and I knew," the fox said, his voice faltering.

"Nick..." the rabbit said, putting a paw over Tom, onto Nick's shoulder.

"When you see Rodger tomorrow, I want you to give him a hug... a- and I want you to be there for him, and I want you to keep him on track... can you do that for me, bud?" The fox asked quietly, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Y- yes sir," Tom said, tears forming in his eyes. The fox gave him a smile.

"Well, we don't need you cryin' too, ok?" He joked. Tom laugh-sobbed, and went to hug the fox. He started sobbing again, for the third time because of these two, but this time was better. They were good tears. Maybe it was joy, he couldn't really tell, but maybe it was hope. Judy wiped a tear from her eye.

_Stupid fox,_ she jokingly thought. She remembered the moment she recorded his admission of tax evasion. She remembered when he used the same carrot to record her admission of being a dumb bunny. After all these years, he had changed, from the cold and cynical con-artist he was, into the passionate public servant he is today.

After a brief embrace, the two officers drove the young cat back home, and watched as his mother hugged him on his way in. She waved to the officers and closed the door, and the two drove away. They saw the color of the sky, but the sunset was obscured by the houses and trees.

"He probably had a pretty good view up there," Judy said.

"Yeah, I guess so..."

"I wish life were as simple as sitting on a phone pole, watching the sunset..."

...

**A/N: I saw a news article about a bobcat that was spotted on a phone pole, and was immediately struck by the possibilities. I've got a bit of a fascination with the idea of catnip in zootopia, in my mind it's like marijuana, it's illegal but 'every' cat does it.**

**I have no interest in the real drug, but I think about the people who use it quite a lot. It's illegal, and yet so many people use it, so many normal people. It's the average person's vice. Rarely do people who use it belong in jail, yet we find them there often. Generally, its just people trying to get away, to relax.**

**But alas, it's illegal, and actions have consequences. What is to be done?**


	2. King of the North

**A/N: This story was inspired by the song "Princess Aurora" and the rest of the album _King of the Nordic Twilight _by the power metal band Luca Turilli. Check out the music, it will surprise you, it's awesome.**

**I deleted and reposted this chapter, it wasn't showing up in the browser or on the app, sorry if it spams y'all and bumps this unnecessarily!**

**Enjoy!**

**...**

He felt the snow crunch beneath his paws, the fox surprised he could still feel anything with the frozen appendages. despite his many layers of heavy cloth, the brave king was surely marching to his lonely demise in this endless snow-covered forest. He reached a clearing and looked to the sky above, the stars shining brightly in their infinite and immaculate breadth.

he saw the mountains that rose high above the lake of trees that puddled between them, and realized that he had arrived at his destination. The three peaks directly in front of him, the kings of the nordic twilight, were ancient and mighty in their solitude. He unsheathed his sword and, with his last remaining strength, pointed it to the sky just above the central peak.

A ray of golden energy emanated from the sword, electricity dancing from the pommel and guard. the beam burned like a fire, buzzing and humming with energy, the lightning crackling like a falling tree. it was the first warmth he had felt on this two-day journey, and likely the last he would ever feel.

He shed a single tear as he realized that it was over now, and watched as the green and red light trickled out of the sky above the mountain. The sword fell silent, returning to its quiet slumber, an object of immense power yet still an object, inanimate, nonetheless. The fox dropped the sword and fell onto his forepaws, releasing an extended breath.

His work was done, and the northern sky was again full of the magical energy that protected the Nordic lands. He fell to his side, a sense of relief filling him as hypothermia began its deadly siege. He took one last look to the sky to see the beautiful shining lights, and noticed something odd. He struggled to keep his eyes open, but he could see the lights changing, coming together.

it condensed into a point and quickly moved towards him, the form of the colors becoming clearer as it approached. He felt a surge of energy and lifted himself off of the snow to greet the green and red glowing rabbit, her violet eyes wrought with a mothers concern. He returned to his knees and looked to her, his paws outstretched, praising the spirits for this gift.

It was Princess Aurora, the magic lady of the northern sky. Her hindpaws touched the snow with an elegance that could only come from something as beautiful and mystical as her. His outstretched paws were a thank you, but she took it as an invitation for a hug, which she graciously accepted. He felt the warmth and energy of the amazing doe fill his heart, and let out a deep sigh and a sob. She grabbed the fur on the back of his head, bringing him closer to comfort him.

After this harsh journey, all the feelings of despair for the horrible consequences of failure, the parting with his family with the knowledge he wouldn't return, after everything, he felt at peace. To call the moment magical would be a disservice. After what felt like an eternity she broke from the hug, holding his paws and helping him stand.

"Thank you," she said, leaving him lost for words. He opened his mouth but all he could do was stutter quietly, not even knowing how to address her. "It is okay, king Nicholas, I am no judge, you may speak freely," she said as she looked up to his eyes.

"I am sorry, Princess, I just can't believe... I cant-" he started, still unsure what to say.

He decided to put his thoughts simply.

"Thank you."

"Of course... You were not the only one saved this night my child," she said with another smile that left the taste of sugar in his mouth. "Come with me," she said, floating into the air, silently exploding into a cloud of light. He was confused for a moment before he began lifting off the ground, being taken into the clouds. She slowly dissipated into the expansive Aurora he was familiar with and looked below him to see the vast valleys and mountains from high up in the heavens.

he soared through the arctic sky, his carpet of warm light shielding him from the bitter cold as he journeyed far and wide. He saw his kingdom, the villages of mammals, the smoke from chimneys, and he saw his castle, where a ceremony was being held for him. He watched as mammals stared at the glowing lights traveling through the sky, moving like never before, and soon found himself floating down to his courtyard.

The light enveloped him as he sank slowly to the ground, his family, the guards, and a few peasants watching in shock. His paws touched the ground and he immediately walked up to his wife, hugging her. The arctic vixen began sobbing into him, and he watched as the lights retreated back to the north. He mouthed 'thank you,' to them, and they formed a paw briefly, waving to him, a goodbye he would not forget for all his days.


	3. Drinking for Dorks

Nick sat across from Judy, watching her carefully, trying to figure out what exactly was troubling her. Currently, she was starting blankly at the table, and had the most intense expression of concentration he had ever seen. This was not exactly what he expected from her on a Sunday morning brunch. There had been a pause in their conversation just moments ago, but they had simply run out of things to discuss, it wasn't the sort of pause that would warrant this type of behavior.

He slowly raised his glass to take a sip, her gaze switching to his lips while he drank before quickly reverting back to the table. He set the glass back down carefully, watching her slight facial movements, hoping for some kind of a clue as to what had her so pensive.

She was still considering how to approach the maneuver, trying to get the tongue shape right. She didn't notice Nick staring, and she slowly reached for her glass, lifting it slightly. She hesitated for a moment, leaving the glass a few inches above the table. After a short pause she continued lifting it to her muzzle, bringing her head down to meet the glass. She then stuck out her tongue, dipping it in the water.

Nick was thoroughly confused at this point, but almost as quickly as it had started, this strange moment ended, Judy pulling her tongue back into her mouth. The swiftness of the movement surprised her. It was almost instinctual: once her tongue was in the water, her brain had done the rest.

"You feeling ok Carrots?" Nick asked, his face twisted in concern and confusion. She finally realized how odd it must have looked, and laughed, facepawing for a moment.

"It was something I read... apparently that's how our ancestors drank," she said, looking at him as his confusion softened slightly.

"Really?" He asked, looking away briefly. The move she had just pulled seemed fairly inefficient for intaking water, perplexing him.

"Yeah, they put their tongue in and scooped it into their mouth... it felt pretty natural actually, it kinda surprised me."

"Were you building up the courage to try it or something?" He asked, still not sure why she had looked so intense before. She hesitated before answering, the topic a strange one.

"I was trying to get my tongue in the right position..." she said, embarrassed. He raised an eyebrow.

"Position?"

"I don't know... it's kinda hard to describe... like folding the tip of your tongue back into a scoop, " she said. He smirked.

"Why don't you just show me?" He asked, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

"Would you keep it in your pants for just one second while I tell you something interesting?" She snarked, making him laugh.

"So what do you do?" He asked, genuinely curious now.

"I don't really know, I was trying to get the right shape for a while but when I tried it, it just happened."

"Well, I don't want to go in blind..."

"Just, like, pull the tip of your tongue back, kinda."

He developed a similarly intense expression as he manipulated his tongue in his mouth, unable to really tell what he was doing. He lifted up his glass and dipped his tongue in, quickly lapping up a single scoop of water, Judy laughing at the sight.

"Hey, it worked!" He said, surprised.

"Do it again!" Judy said, quite entertained. His tongue shot out and lapped up another sip, the two immediately laughing.

A lone jaguar nearby saw the exchange, and looked at his own glass of water. He picked it up and looked around to see if anyone was watching, soon deciding to dip his tongue in. The attempt was futile, and he set the glass back down after failing to lap successfully. He looked at the few mammals who were now staring at him.

_Of course it doesn't work for me..._


	4. A Walk in the Park

**A Walk in the Park**

**Tanya, a special agent in Zootopia's version of the FBI, and the snow leopard equivalent of Dana Scully, goes for a walk to take her mind off of the world and to think... and it doesn't go very well.**

* * *

Her fluffy paw pulled on the handle that unlatched her car door, and she pushed it open, the equally fluffy rest of her body following. Most of her fluff was covered in a jet-black suit, standard issue at the A3I, but her lengthy tail and paws were left exposed, plus her big fuzzy head. She closed the door with a thump and took a few steps, feeling a sharp tug on her tail followed by eye watering pain. She turned to see a small tuft of fur sticking out of the car door, and quickly checked her tail for the damage.

It wasn't visible, thankfully, but her eyes were watering. _What kind of full grown mountain kitty like me cries over a little bit of fur being ripped out -on their tail nonetheless, and by a car door -? Not this one, that's for sure._ She thought as she wiped a tear away. After recovering briefly she worked her way over to the trail and looked out over the beautiful lake. It was evening, not nearly sunset, but a cool and dim afternoon. The lake was surrounded by tall evergreen trees, the relatively thin forest providing pleasant scent in the air.

She loved the smell of pine trees, it was actually hard to describe how she felt. It was almost exciting, like the occasional piece of string, which strangely managed to captivate the physicist-special agent sometimes. It was a mystery to her, for the most part, how string, pine trees, pumpkins, and various other random things managed to get at some fairly deep instincts of hers.

She inhaled deeply and took in the fresh pine needle that had just fallen out of the tree above her. Initially, before all hell broke loose, she did something that wasn't quite a sneeze but couldn't truthfully be called a cough either, and it sounded like there was a gag in there somewhere. Regardless, if her eyes weren't watering before, _which they totally weren't,_ they were now. She sneezed, a real sneeze this time, the pine needle being forced halfway out of her nose. Her face was twisted into an expression that only having a pine-needle halfway up the feline's respiratory tract could produce.

She inhaled sharply after the intense sneeze and the nefarious needle retreated back into its…

**snout-shack… no… nasal-nest… eh… adenoid-asylum… maybe… ooh! whiffer-wigwam!… probably offensive… mucosal-mansion?… Aha! I've got it!**

back into its boogerian bungalow.

**Seventh time's the charm! You see, you always gotta keep trying. You know, when I was a kid… oh, wait, nevermind, still mid story...****ANYWAYS!**

_It went back into her nose, _and she had a very brief, albeit very real, panic attack. She started exhaling through her nose with all her might in an attempt to extradite the evergreen enemy. After a few attempts she sneezed mid-exhale, creating a pressure in her head greater than any in the known universe, bar none. She had her paws cupped over her snout at the time, which - considering there were no other mammals around to witness or be exposed to the sneeze-a-saurus - was probably not the best idea. A deluge of mucus erupted from her nose, covering her clean paws, the pine needle sat triumphantly atop the pile.

"Oh Eeewww!" She said aloud. She looked around, wondering what the hell to do. There was nowhere to wash her paws. She could lick them off but the thought made her gag. Thankfully there was a lake next to her, though she questioned how sanitary the water was. She sighed and started walking up to it, but rather than a sandy shore, she was met with a bunch of rocks. She tiptoed along them, hoping to reach water without incident, though given her luck so far this surely wouldn't be the case. She stepped on a rock that promptly shifted, throwing her off balance. For a brief moment she took the posture of a circus mammal on a tightrope, arms flailing, leg lifted in the air.

She then planted her paw firmly back on solid ground, after it had traveled through a few inches of water of course. She growled lightly, not exactly being a fan of wet paws. She bent down and washed her forepaws off in the water, being able to clean them rather easily, thank god. She pulled the two veritable sponges out of the water and shook them, water flying everywhere.

They were still rather wet, and she considered licking the water out, but health and safety dictated otherwise. _No, I'll get an amoeba or something,_ she thought. She slowly tiptoed her way back to the trail, and set her paws back on the dirt track. She shook her paws once again, getting a few drops out, and started walking the path.

She casually padded along, taking in the scenery. A butterfly approached her, and she gazed at it, giggling lightly as it floated about. It suddenly got closer to her and she recoiled, preferring to appreciate the insect from a distance.

Soon enough it was seriously invading her airspace, and she put her paws up to cover her head, closing her eyes. Through the darkness she felt a tickling on her nose, and opened her eyes to find the beautiful insect perched on her pink face-button, slowly flapping its wings. Her eyes were crossed trying to look at it, and she surely looked like a goofball, but she was enjoying it. It started to crawl up her nose though, approaching her eyes, and she closed them again, shaking her head to get it off.

She could feel the lepidopteran creeping along her eyebrows, and it stopped on top of her head. _What is wrong with this this thing?!_ She thought. Then she felt a very odd sensation on her head. It was a buzzing and tingling, and it spread from just above her eyebrow to behind her ear. It was like she was being shocked with electricity. Unbeknownst to her, the butterfly had decided to cross the whiskers above her eyebrow, but was no match for the long hairs, and got stuck, struggling there.

"What are you doing? Hububuh! Erbrbrbr! Uh! Stop it! Oh that feels funny! Gah!" She said, struggling to keep herself together. She finally decided to swipe it away, and pushed the aerial offender off of her head. It fluttered around her, promising not to leave the cat alone. "Get out of here creep!" She yelled at the thing, swatting at it.

**You should eat it.**

_What? No! It's a pretty, little, kinda annoying thing!_

**Yeah, well, I'm hungry AF writing this. We're talkin some serious mega munchies, and I need to vicariously live through you while you eat something. Like, this is ate-dinner-at-5-and-it's-now-2AM-and-you're-in-bed-with-nowhere-to-go kind of hungry.**

_I do know what you mean… the munchies attack me in the night too. Still, I have no reason to eat this creature!_

**I mean, we can do this the easy way or the hard way Tanya. Either you graciously accept the invitation to eat the butterfly, or I make you eat it.**

_:(_

**Don't give me that.**

_:'(_

**Oh come on…**

_Waaaaaa!_

**No! Bad kitty! Crying is not allowed! No tears!**

Tanya then suddenly, and without any real warning, **aside from the big-ass warning I gave her**, snapped at the fluttering creature, catching one of its wings in her mouth.

_Oh god, its so… flaky!_

**Yeah, that's what you get! They are Lepidoptera because they have membranous wings. Enjoy those membranes kitty.**

_Ewwwwww… also, don't call me kitty, feels weird…_

**We can agree on that at least.**

_Ok, I ate it, now what?_

**What do you mean?**

_What am I gonna do next?_

**I don't know… just, like, go for a walk?**

_Well… is there, like, anything in particular I should do?_

**Tanya, this isn't my walk in the park, do whatever you want.**

_What? But you just… huh?_

**This isn't a very complex idea...**

_Aren't you, like, the writer? Aren't you kinda in control here?_

**…**

_?_

**Don't try to get in my head.**

_What? No, I'm just confu- ok, you know what, nevermind, I'll just keep walking I guess._

**K.**

She continued walking, confused and weirded out. _I'm just going to act like nothing happened,_ she thought, not wanting her author interaction to invalidate her actions on this adventurous expedition. _Too many big words._

**Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious**

_You got that from the sound of music, dork._

**Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis**

_Ow…_

**Ha! Bet you didn't think I'd pull out the name of a lung disease caused by inhaling fine silica sand, particularly that from a volcano, did you?**

_No, I suppose not._

**Do you have Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia**?

_That word is dumb._

**It's probably just you.**

_No, it's idiotic. Hippopoto- obviously refers to a hippo, monstro- refers to a monster or monstrosity. Both can mean something large, so that's already a redundant section. Sesqui- means one and a half, which might be redundant, if not placed there simply to make the word longer._

_There shouldn't be two P's, since pedal- refers to something being on feet, which on it's own makes no sense in the word, even without the extra P. It's a poor attempt at making a large word to represent a fear of large words, and whoever made it should have their word-making license taken away._

**…geez, sorry.**

That was settled now, and Tanya could return to her walk. She continued down the path in front of her and tried to relax after the rather stressful conversation. She took a deep breath and looked around at the tranquil forest, listening as the wind rustled the trees and brush. She noticed movement through the trees and realized that there was another mammal on the path.

She looked around for a moment, waiting for the mammal to come around the curve. She didn't want to be looking right at them as they came out from behind the foliage, that would be weird. She awkwardly glanced around before turning to find a quite handsome puma walking towards her. He had a pair of modern, thin-rimmed glasses and formal work clothes, stained with white chalk. _he's a professor!_ She thought. She could tell right away, she had been one for a few years, she knew what to look for.

"Hi," he said politely, giving a small smile. Tanya was somehow entranced; he was cute as all hell.

"Fuhfuhfu-!" Tanya chuffed at him. She immediately hid her face with her paws.

**Ok, that was all you...**

_The fact has never been more painfully obvious to me... my god, I am such a dork, I can't even talk to guys..._


	5. Creeping Fluff

**A/N: This quick one-shot was inspired by, and featured in, the collection "The Fluff Files" by Cimar of Turalis WildeHopps, I'm putting it in here just for archival purposes, and chose to post it around Halloween because that's where it belongs! The title was inspired by Metallica's "Creeping Death."**

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

"Well, this is gonna be fun…" Nick said, standing on the horribly overgrown front lawn of a decrepit, abandoned house. The wind blew his fur as he surveyed the surrounding rainforest that left the structure in shadow.

"And this whole time I thought you were a canid, Mr. Scaredy-cat," Judy teased.

He couldn't let her get away with that, he had to retort...

"Don't worry fluff, I'm only afraid because I know what really went on in this house," he said, putting on his signature smirk.

"Really? Is that why we were sent to investigate some rumors here, because you already knew what was going on?" She said as she started walking forward, the fox following.

"Well, you know my background, I know a thing or two about the underbelly of Zootopia… I've heard the same rumors about this place… and more," he said as they reached what used to be a patio. Judy reached up for the door handle.

"Oh, sure… tell me, what more is there going on here than teenagers trying to find a place to smoke and nip?"

"You know, locking mammals in cages in the haunted basement 'till they become friends with the ghosts and refuse to leave… stuff like that," he said, lying through his teeth. Judy shivered a bit but refused to give in to his teasing. _He's got to be making it up,_ she thought as she opened the door with a dreadful creak.

"After you, carrots."

She paused for a moment, the darkness anything but inviting, but steeled her nerves and stepped in.

"Very scary," she said sarcastically, looking over the dusty old house... _very_ dusty… and cobweb-ey. Only the light that leaked in through the open door lit the vacancy.

"Did you hear that?" Nick asked, feigning surprise.

"Hear what?"

"I think I heard someone call your name… can't you hear it? _Judy_…" he whispered, scaring himself more than anything. She rolled her eyes.

"You know, we actually have a job t-" she started, cut off by a gust of wind slamming the door shut. The two immediately clung to each other, holding on for dear life. Nick could barely see, and Judy was left completely in the dark.

"You weren't serious about the basement thing, right?" she asked, feeling his tail wrap around her.

"No, I know nothing about this place!" he replied.

The wind blew again, rustling something through a broken window upstairs.

"Tell me that was just the wi- AAAAHHHH!" Nick screamed, a ghostly figure falling over the balcony above.

"EEEEEEKKK!" Judy cried, startled by Nick screaming.

"IT'S OK! IT WAS JUST A CURTAIN!"

"Ugh, you scared me half to death! Why are you screaming over a curtain?!" Judy hissed.

"It fell over the balcony! It looked like a ghost!" He said. Judy rolled her eyes, an instinct of being in Nick's company at this point.

"Just open the door so we can get out of here," she said, still holding him. He turned around and grabbed the doorknob, but it was locked.

"Oh no…" he said, his heart rate rapidly increasing.

"Just turn the lock!"

"Oh, right, we're inside the house…" he said as he got the door open, stepping back out onto the sunlit patio with Judy attached to him. They stood for a moment, breathing heavily.

"You can let go now fluff."

"Oh, yeah, right," she said, dusting herself off. The two stood and caught their breath.

"You wanna, just... go on lunch break and get coffee real quick?" He asked.

"That sounds way better than the alternative, slick," she replied. They walked back to their cruiser and got in, Judy starting the engine and pulling out onto the road. Nick looked back at the open door as they drove away, just in time to see a bleach-white, hairless paw close the door.

"Well, that was fun..." Judy joked.

"Huh, yeah, real fun..." Nick nearly whined.


	6. The Idiot Captor

**A/N: No idea where I got the inspiration for this, but it was in the works for a while. Could have made for a funny fic, but I think it's better as just a one-shot. If someone wants to write a whole fic based off of this, go ahead! Let me know if this makes you laugh.**

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

He walked, slowly pacing in front of the wall, the black jaguar doing everything he could to ensure that his captive knew who was boss. The dark room that held the two had four walls, one of which had a rabbit chained to it, a rabbit who had no idea why he was there. The jaguar talked out of the corner of his mouth, lighting a cigar as he spoke.

"So, what kind of work do they pay you to do?"

"I- I'm just car sales rep."

"Really?" The jaguar said, unconvinced.

"Yes! I swear. I don't know who you were looking for but you've got the wrong guy!" The rabbit said, frantic. The jaguar knelt down, getting closer.

"If you don't know who I was lookin' for, how do you know it's not you?" He asked, sinister in every sense. The rabbit was even more terrified than he was before.

"What?... well, because I don't do, like, illegal, bad guy shit! I just sell cars!"

The jaguar relit his cigar and stood up.

"How do you know that's not who I'm looking for?" He asked, smoke coming out of his mouth. The rabbit was taken aback slightly. He was starting to get angry.

"Well if you wanna buy a car you could just, I don't know, ASK! Rather than CHAIN ME TO A WALL!" He screamed.

"Calm down bucko, nobody's getting hurt."

"Well, that's reassuring. Now, will you please tell me why I'm here?"

"I thought you had that figured out."

"So you just want to buy a car?"

"Who said that?" He replied, pacing back again as smoke escaped his mouth. The rabbit was at a loss for words, either this cat was the dumbest mammal he had ever seen or an expert at stalling.

"Ok, so you don't want to buy a car, then what do you want from me?"

"Well, I didn't say I _don't_ want a car..."

"Oh... my... god," the rabbit sighed. If his arms weren't chained up he'd be facepawing. "Does that mean you want me to, like, give you a car? Think I can get some sort of insane employee discount or something?"

"What's with all this talk about cars?" the cat wondered, shrugging as he looked at the rabbit.

"You brought them up, you fuckin Ihhhh-diot!" he yelled, drawing out the first syllable since he had no better words at the moment and needed to do the best with what he had. "I told you I was a car salesman and you said that was who you were looking for!"

"I just said it's possible that I was looking for a car salesman."

"You are dense... you are _so_ dense... Black holes _wish_ they were as dense as you, you know that?"

"No, I didn't, thanks for letting me know."

"Jesus... it's a good thing you've got me in chains right now otherwise I'd be a murderer," the rabbit said, his irritation reaching incomprehensible levels.

"Thought you said you were a car salesman."

"Ho-lee shit... yes, I'm a car salesman. I didn't mean murderer as a profession, I meant the label given to someone who has murdered someone else!"

"Oh, I get it," the cat said, starting to pace again.

"You do?" The rabbit asked, incredulous.

"Yeah."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"Because you're a fuckin idiot."

"And why's that?"

"Because nothing you say makes any sense."

"Does it have to?"

"Yes!"

"I don't think it does."

"And I think you're a fuckin idiot," the rabbit said. The jaguar shrugged.

"Did anyone ever tell you not to argue with idiots?"

"Yeah, and right now it seems like pretty good advice."

"Well that's no fun," the jaguar said, sucking once more on his cigar. The door then exploded into splinters with a deafening bang, disorienting the two. The next thing the rabbit knew he was getting his chains cut off by firefighters and the room had a veritable horde of public service professionals.

"What the hell is going on?" The rabbit asked.

"You got captured by an infamous serial killer," a fox in a police uniform said. The rabbit look at him and the rabbit officer beside him, utterly confused.

"That guy was a serial killer?" He asked, the coyote with a metal shear cutting off his cuffs.

"Yes," Judy replied.

"That moron couldn't kill a fly!"

"What makes you say that?" Nick asked, wondering if they had the wrong guy. The coyote moved between the three to get to the rabbit's other side.

"He wouldn't know how! That guy is dumber than a fuckin rock!" The rabbit said, poking his head around the larger mammal. The two nodded, understanding where he was coming from.

"Apparently the guy uses some... interesting tactics to get his victims into a state where they're incapable of rational thought. From what we know it's like a primal, uncontrollable rage, it's possible he was trying to make you angry by playing dumb," Judy said.

"Well it worked... god, what an ass," he said, holding his wrists as all of his cuffs were finally removed.

"Thank you," Nick said with a smirk.

"Ok, I don't need two of him," the rabbit said, chuckling as he stood up. "So, like, can I go home or what?"


End file.
